Quarantine Journals - Day 1
So I am back in Canada but have to sustain self-quarantine in a hotel for 14 days. That being said, what a great day to start a daily journal. I signed up to Isolation Journals where everyday it sends out a journal prompt. I decided to give it a try and I am writing these not in any order that was sent to me but based on random.
Prompt: In your deepest core, in your most vulnerable moments—what do you want?
This prompt really hits hard for me at least for me. I generally carry a happy attitude and love life but there are those days when the sun doesn’t shine and you feel like absolute sh*t. Those are the days I feel most vulnerable, because unfortunately I feel like I have entered into a deep dark warp hole that I can’t escape. Sometimes I use sleep to make time goes faster, and hoping that when I wake up everything will be a little better. But overall, I think what I want the most when I’m vulnerable is having someone special to me who listens to most candid thoughts. Generally having someone around me, someone I know I can be comfortable being myself is what I want.
Sometimes when you feel your most vulnerable is you feel like your defence mechanism is broken and all your weaknesses are exposed and raw. That raw-ness is a wound - it could turn out to be good while exposed to the fresh air but it could also be infected because there are some bad in the fresh air. For me when I feel vulnerable, the first thing I want to do is either rebuild that defence or shut that wound before the bad bits touches it.
Even when I am having a bad day or experienced something terrible, my defence mechanism would force me to tell 2-3 people I trust the most about it. Once it is out of my system, the terrible thought or feeling will no longer on top of my mind. It’s almost like my brain did a “delete” on this feeling. It is not completely gone but it stop occupying my brain 100%, probably reduce it down to 50% and I can focus on something else.
I guess my answer to the “what do you want?” is a simple I want my special people.
How do I do I define these special people? Well, they are people who does not judge me based on my actions and my thoughts. They are people who understands or attempts to understands. They are people that make me feel like I am at home: safe. I am very lucky that I have close relationship with my friends and family to divulge these thoughts or share these moments of vulnerability. Those are the relationship I treasure the most in this world. Although, I don’t spend that much in a year with these, mainly because I don’t live in the same area - but we talk at least daily or weekly. And we are open to share all of problems with each other.
At this time, when the world faces so much uncertainty, our vulnerability is cracked open once again. I think since beginning 2020, I have live in the mindset of going from week to week. Having too much plan in the future was not really an option for me given my circumstances but I think it exacerbated based on this pandemic and everything going on politically. At this moment of deep vulnerability, I am grateful of my support system or my wall of defence to get each other through this. I hope you also have someone that can help carry some of these burdens with you and help you cope in this heighten situations that exposes everyone’s vulnerability.